RespiteMatch.com Health Blog

Moving Beyond Guilt:

Forgiveness and Acceptance

The best thing you can do as a caregiver is to move beyond all forms of guilt—to forgiveness and acceptance, both of yourself and the person you care for. Try to remove all the layers of negative emotion to get to the real love and care at the core of your relationship with this person. Provide the best care that you can—or ensure
that others provide it. Moving beyond guilt to forgiveness and acceptance will make you a happier
and more confident caregiver.

Guilt as a Sickness
Guilt can eat away at you without your
knowing it. You may feel guilty that you
cannot give as much time as you’d like.
Or you may feel guilty about putting your
relative in a nursing home. Or your aging
relative might make you feel guilty for the
quality or quantity of care you are able to
provide. No matter how you look at it,
this guilt is not healthy. You need to
worry first about what you can provide,
how much time you can spend, and what
you need to keep yourself and your family
happy. Don’t feel guilty about putting
yourself and your immediate family first.
Guilt will negatively impact your caregiving
abilities, and you may even begin to
take out your frustration (possibly unconsciously)
on your aging relative.

Many caregivers feel that they
struggle trying to balance love,
caregiving and guilt. According to a
1999 survey conducted by the U.S.
Department of Health and Human
Services, more than 52 million
Americans care for a disabled or
sick family member. Although
most caregivers bear their burden
with love, social workers say caregiving
is so demanding that most
people feel inadequate.

Experts warn that emotions
such as guilt can extract a heavy
toll on the health of the caregiver—
hurting everyone involved. Of
all the emotional hurdles family
caregivers face—including anger
and resentment—guilt is the most
pervasive and dangerous. Often,
there’s tremendous guilt in feeling
we aren’t doing enough.
You Can’t Repay your
Parents

You may think that you owe your
parents care because they cared for
you as a child. The first thing to
remember is that you can never
repay your parents. If you
approach caregiving from that
frame of reference, you will always
be behind the game; you’ll never
be able to do everything for them
that they did for you, and they
shouldn’t expect you to. Rather,
approach caregiving as someone
who loves and wants to care for
your parents (or other aging relative)—
not as someone who owes
a debt.

What you can do to
prevent guilt—
n Get help from community
programs and professional
resources.
n Ask family or friends for help.
n Get access to information,
especially during a crisis.
n Consider joining a support
group—either in person or on the

Internet—so you can share feelings
and frustrations with others
who understand your situation.

n Acknowledge your limits.
n Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
n Learn to delegate caregiving
chores.
n Remember that your best is good
enough.

Guilt becomes an issue when
caregivers—
n have expectations that are unrealistic.
n find it difficult to ask for help or parcel out
tasks to friends or professionals.
n feel that somehow there’s something they
could, might, should, would have done.
n feel powerless.